new xanga-

riot_of_color

this one was boring me and only half working sometimes

love.

harsh words and violent blows
hidden secrets nobody knows
eyes are open, hands are fisted
deep inside im warped and twisted
so many tricks and so many lies
too many tricks and so many lies
too many whens and too many whys
nobody's special, nobody's gifted
im just me, warped and twisterd
sleeping awake and choking on dreams
listening loudly to silent screams
call my mind, the numbers unlisted
lost in someone so warped and twisted
on my knees, alive but dead
look at the invisible blood ive bled
im not gone but my mind has drifted
dont expect much, im warped and twisted
burnt out, wasted, empty, and hollow
todays just yesterdays tomorrow
the sun died out, the ashes sifted
im still here, warped wrapped and twisted.

http://members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf

by far one of the funniest things ive ever seen in my life. really close with the english video of sean tyler and kenny. hahahahahhaahhahahahhhahahahahhaha.

so sometimes, i really dont like people. and not just dont like them, cant stand them, in their masses, the ignorance is sometimes blinding i hate when people believe things just because their parents do so or they think that they have to, or because its 'normal' or accepted by society or whoever else the hell they think is 'right'. but dont people see that right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable, its all based on perception? what you might think is right i think is horriblly wrong and what i think is acceptable, you might find offensive.. its all about the way humans look at things, and the way humans look at things is shaped by society. so there's where the right and wrong come in, that's where opinions are blended into the background, just to 'fit in'-which i think is stupid. just because society things something is right, just because society thinks its acceptable and considered the norm, why do we have to so easily accept it? im not calling for anarchy here or anything im just saying whatever happened to healthily questioning your environment, whatever happened to rising up and creating your OWN belief system? whatever happend to accepthing things on your standards, not based on what thousands of other people think. shouldnt we all look at our own world from our own viewpoint and accept things as individuals and not as a huge mass of stupidity? i dunno maybe its just me but god damnit people-be your own person and not just another someone.

not just another plastic person.

im home!!!!! yay!! hahahahahha even tho its only been since thursday morning that ive been home, it feels like forever-long trips can take so much outta you-especially 7 hour drives with no other females around to bond with!! hahaha kavitha you know i missed you soo much!! but....the trip was..priceless.

i saw big t again..that should say enough if you really know about me and my camp expirence..seeing him again felt soo good and all of my insecurities and flaws and everything else that ever bothered me seemed to go all away when he picked me up and told me that he loved me-best person in the world. of course, on the debate side of things, he gave me the offical hookup, telling me what teams ran what and what a good neg. stratagy would be...hahaha when he found out we were going up again dcd's a team and vlad (my partner) asked him how they were and if they were good and what not, all big t said was 'they know how to debate'. needless to say, we got raped that round. we went 3-3 which isnt bad for egr at all!!!! woooohoo!! it rocked, although it did kinda suck because our last round when we were 3-2 and we lost, it sucked because if we had won we had high enough speaks to break! it sucked. oh well tho, i think i did awesome at the tournament and i love that feeling..but back to big t...wow he gave me some pictures from camp that he had, and i just sat there in the office and cried...every single one of those tears was for a memory-it wasnt a bad thing but i just..i dunno being with him again, hearing his voice, seeing his smile, it takes me back so much...

okay i just realized that for all of you who prolly dont kno who big t is, he isnt my lover or anything (thats michael! hehe) but he was my lab leader at camp last summer..but he became so much more than that-how much he means to me, i cant even begin to say because no words can do it justice. plus, to be honest i dont think anybody would ever understand besides kavitha because she was there and she felt it too.

anyways, when he called me lil p (my nickname at camp-stands for priya, princess, and princeton) i completely lost it-and barely could leak out a wut wut (haha kavitha u kno wat im talking about!!) it was so...meaningful...

saying goodbye was so hard again-it seems that everytime i say goodbye, the intensity of the moment never ends-i desperately dont want him to go, i cant afford him to go-so much of myself rests on him and without him i always feel like im missing a chunk of my being..its so difficult, and of course, i cried. no matter how tightly he hugged me, how many times he told me he loved me, no matter how much i told myself to stop, i couldnt help it-it was heartache all over again. ironic, no matter how much it hurts to say goodbye, it never makes me not want to see him-ever. id bleed myself dry just to see him again even if it was just for a fleeting moment...i cant even begin to tell anybody how much i love tim (big t exclusively to me) gah. leaving him was so hard. but, the feeling that i leave a part of him back with him, is always comforting because i know im always with him, no matter how many miles are between us (like me and michael) crazy shit.

other than that, the trip was so great-i really opened up on the trip..me and sven had a great talk in this random room we found upstairs with these huge comfy couches..it was sitting on those couches i finally told somebody the real connor story. besides the people who helped me live through it (all my girls) it was the first person i told. the entire thing to, start to finish, and leaving nothing out. it was so...so healing almost. and that just seemed to open the floodgates for us, we both spilled, cried, relived hard times..it was meaningful, something i know ill never forget. and then vlad and i talked almost all night saturday about really deep things too-it felt good to talk to somebody and vlad's a great guy to talk to because hes just so honest. and it doesnt even seem like honesty with him because its just the way he is-its hard to explain. but it was great none the less. and then of course, i missed michael so much. every night when i retired back to my room (wat the hell did i just say retired?? haha) anyyyways, every nite when i went back to my room, (after calling him repeatedly and not getting a hold of him once-for various reasons) i would just lay in bed and miss him sooo much. it was like i had this gaping hole that went through me, like a body missing their stomach..i missed him soo much..everything about him-the way he makes me laugh, the way he makes me think, the way he talks to me, the things he does..just everything-cant put it into words.

bates gave me a huge compliment too-it was so special, a real 'moment' of bonding between us..which i really think me bates and vlad did a TON of this trip-from everything, blasting the tunes in the car, to drawing together at don pablos on my kiddie menus, to going out to breakfast at ihop in the morning, to our serious talks about debate and orange juice and everything in between. i finally feel like we're a team again. wow.

anyways, im gonna go, i wrote like a fucking book but its all been something that i needed to say so im glad i got it out. lots of love-as always

-xoxoxo-
-priyao-